I couldn’t recall when exactly have I come to the conclusion that if I were to constantly put myself in jeopardy, I wouldn’t be so afraid of seeing things falling out of place or go horribly wrong.
In a way, I have become immune to change.
Not to adapt, but the body and mind deciding to become numb and not react. There’s a vast difference between throwing yourself under the bus to be run over and throwing yourself out there to learn traffic.
I belong to the former, which means countless attempts of being run over has made itself clear that this is normal.
This is the kind of fallacy
that I’m capable of accepting, but absolutely no one in their right mind would tolerate such bullshit.
The tragic part is that, playing this strength to your advantage means being stubborn enough to only prepare for the worst.
And when something slightly good/ less threatening comes around, you're instantly thrown off-balanced for no reason other than being overconfident that only the hardest moves will be played.
I shall stop here, for I’m not fond of finding excuses. The problem exists to be analysed and corrected, and the viable way is to strip my immunity towards change.
It’s tiring, boring even, to change the scenery every now and then but closing off all senses to the pleasures and pains of mortal growth.
I’ve decided to let the soul feel something; let the cuts, stabs and open wounds burn a little, let them be a reminder that these heart-wrenching thoughts are not okay.
That they cause immense pain and should never be tolerated in the first place.
Maybe then, could I stop being a plot device for the character development
of others, but rather take charge of changing/ ruining the life story of my own.