Funny, how these thoughts always seem to emerge at midnight, like there's no better time to feel insecure about yourself than that gap between today and tomorrow.
Sometimes, these thoughts seep through that window of clarity and come knocking in my conscious mind when I'm in school, when I'm in the toilet, when I'm in a crowd, when I'm all alone.
They come to ruin my day, and plan to stay there as long as they want.
Sometimes, I come to understand why they're there, and secretly grown a liking to them.
They're a self-destructive weapon that I never thought I needed.
A reality check that destroys my ego from the ones who try to build me up, dilute my achievements to the ones I admired so adoringly, and distance myself from the ones that made me content.
Sometimes, these insecurities are ruthless in judgement.
An hour or so dedicated to them made it much more bearable to live as though the purpose made in silence is still worth the fight.
Self loathing is harmful, dangerous even. It's so easy to go down the rabbit hole, criticising each and every one of your flaws.
But not thinking about it, covering it up just means that it'll appear in ways that are too dreadful to describe, when tears don't work no more and a thousand rocks come crumbling at once, instead of taking the time to build those thousand rocks into a comfort zone, one hit at a time.
Criticising yourself isn't bad.
It's a reminder that sometimes things can get worse, but it still can get better with a speck of gloom.
Sometimes, things look better when they're worn down with love. Sometimes, cheese tarts taste even better burnt to crisps.
[midnight, cheese tart, toilet]